People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
