I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
