youre lurking in front of me
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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