Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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