I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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