and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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