My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
