How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
These tits shall not be calmed
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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