A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
time to smoke my breakfast
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
