im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
