I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
