Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
