Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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