The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
