i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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