i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
