I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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