at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I have feelings that need drinking.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
