You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want a musical about memes.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
