Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i've created a new STD.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
