Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
