Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
