Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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