I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize