I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
