I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
