I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just had sex on a roof
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm too high and old for this...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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