whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
