I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
