my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
