i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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