so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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