And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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