My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
