My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
