the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
