I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
