It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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