I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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