i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
