I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
