Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
