man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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