She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
