everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
