I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
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