insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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