Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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