I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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