Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Are my feet made of real feet?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
