Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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