life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize