you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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