i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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