i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
