Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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