if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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