Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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