you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
