I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm having to shit out rocks
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
