the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
