Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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